girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
