in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I want you more than these girls want KFC
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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