we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
