I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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