Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
