I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
