Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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