Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
