Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
