I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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