Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I want her autograph on my taint
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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