1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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