he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
