My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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