Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize