he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
