Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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