I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
