Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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