My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
