I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
