I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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