yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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