Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
