I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
