R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
