were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
