I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
