It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
