My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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