Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
