he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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