we're blogging at a bar
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
