I faked an abortion last night.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
