I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize