I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
