were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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