somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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