Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize