So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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