you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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