did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize