Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize