someone owes me an orgasm
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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