i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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