I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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