Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
