Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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