my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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