everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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