I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
