How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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