tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
