Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
birth control should be required to get into college
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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