not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
God I need to hump something, right now.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize