Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
