I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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