There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
