im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
