and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She's the barista slut.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
