i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
